TAKING THE MYSTERY OUT OF FUNERALS
(An excerpt from Weddings, Funerals and Rites)

Several years ago, I recognized this and began learning about funeral and memorial services. I contacted funeral homes and discovered, among other things, that there is a definite need for ministers and celebrants to perform non-denominational services. I decided I wanted to conduct memorial services as an addition to my wedding business, so I began creating a healing service for the occasion.

As for the words to say, I quickly discovered that there is very little material written about funerals and virtually nothing available for ministers or celebrants who want to perform them. I did find one service from a traditional religion and one from another non-denominational religion. Neither was quite the truth I wanted to share, but it gave me a place to start.

I begin my services with an opening and a welcome. I thank people for coming and begin to talk about why we are there, to celebrate the life of someone they have loved. I invite people to say hello in spirit to the deceased, while I lead everyone in a prayer. I talk a bit about life and death and what we have learned from the deceased before I move into the eulogy. (I created a standard opening for the eulogy, then I fill it in with information and stories I gather from the bereaved before the service.) I move on to talk about the value of telling stories and remembrances about the deceased and invite people to say a few words. It is not unusual to have nobody speak at the service, but sometimes people will come up if it's left open to them.

At this point, there is some additional flexibility a song may be given or listen to. Not everyone is comfortable with that, but there still can be room for a musical introduction. Just be sure the funeral director knows if a tape or CD needs to be played. A candle-lighting ceremony, some scripture, or some selected poems can be put next. The closing is a prayer and a benediction.

If the body is going to be interred (buried), then I go to the graveside (unless I'm already there) and say some words of scripture, the Lord's Prayer and the words for the interment (giving the body back to the ground, etc.). I don't necessarily do it in that order; it just depends on what feels right at the time. It's good to be prepared.

I have found that memorial services are a tremendous place to teach, learn and to heal. One important thing to remember when you are conducting the service is that it is important for you to rein in your own feelings. There will be a lot of people around you in pain and grief. It's not your job to match them. It is your job to distance yourself somewhat and be compassionate, yet strong, so that the bereaved can lean on you and feel free to express their own grief.